Why is it that we often cannot directly and openly tell a loved one what we want? I often hear people explain it this way: “If I am important to her (him), then she (he) should figure it out on her (his) own.”
So it turns out that we really want our loved ones to guess our desires on their own. And when they do, we feel good. But if they don’t, some of us take offense.
Let’s figure out why this happens.
I imagine the following scenario. A small child who has not yet learned to speak. Or maybe they have learned to speak, but cannot yet clearly express what they want. And the task of the adult who is with them during this period is precisely to figure out these puzzles.
If the child is very young, only a few months old, then the adult’s task is to pick up on signs to determine whether they want to eat or sleep, or maybe they are cold. Or maybe they are scared. Or maybe they just want attention and communication.
If the adult caring for such a baby is sensitive enough, over time they will learn to understand the baby’s needs without words, by the intonation of their crying, by the sounds they make, by their body movements.
And now we have grown up and become adults. We have long been able to speak and put our thoughts into words. But! The desire to be understood without words remains. We want so much to be understood. To be noticed. We want eyes looking at us, trying to catch our subtle signals. And in general, it would be nice to be picked up.
Unfortunately, our loved ones do not always want to play the role of our parents. In doing so, they deprive us of the opportunity to be psychological infants around them. But that is not their role. Moreover, it does not improve our relationships; on the contrary, over time, it destroys them.
Therefore, my appeal today is this:
Let’s talk about our desires directly, as they say, “with words through our mouths.” Saving time and energy to be understood by others.
