When people start a relationship, they often see their whole life and their partner through rose-colored glasses. We turn a blind eye to things we don’t like, become less critical, and remain in a state of enchantment and infatuation for some time. But people often confuse this bright feeling with their fears of loneliness, their need for control and fusion, or even their own fantasies. How can you tell that you truly love the person next to you, and that they love and see you, and not someone you have invented?
For example, at the very beginning, when the relationship is just developing, there is infatuation, attraction, a desire to spend time together all the time — the person is idealized. But this is not yet mature love.
At the beginning of a relationship, people usually want to show themselves in the best light. In addition, infatuation works in such a way that some not-so-pleasant moments go unnoticed. True love is when you know a person in all their different manifestations, see their strengths and weaknesses, and still choose them and want to be with them. This is what is considered mature love.
It often happens that one partner feels uncomfortable in a relationship. But if they believe that the other loves them, this discomfort seems to be smoothed over: you can turn a blind eye to something for the sake of this love.
But often in relationships, the concepts of “love” and “control” are confused. The word “love” is attributed with certain components that are not actually love, ranging from the very crude, such as “if he hits you, it means he loves you” or “if he is jealous, it means he loves you,” to the more acceptable “if he worries about you, it means he loves you.”
If your partner constantly asks, “Where are you?” “When will you be home?” etc., it seems that they care and are interested in you. People often confuse this with love. Even the partner themselves may justify this behavior with love, although it has nothing to do with true love. In reality, it is control.
When we ask ourselves, “Does my partner love me?”, it can be translated as: “Does he know me completely, with all my different manifestations, strengths, and weaknesses? And can he love me like this?”
If you are not sure that your partner sees and loves you for who you are, and you constantly need to conform to a certain image and hide your usual behavior, then this has nothing to do with love.
Sometimes a person lives most of their life in psychological and emotional deprivation: for example, if they grew up in a family where their parents were cold and distant. They fed them, paid for their hobbies, but were emotionally unavailable.
When such a person meets a partner who gives them even a little attention and warmth, they may feel that this is the person they have been waiting for their whole life. Although in reality, they have simply received a small amount of satisfaction for a need that has been lacking their entire life.
The level of trauma also influences the choice of partner. If a child had a difficult relationship with one of their parents, they often find a partner in adulthood who is similar in character to that parent. They are driven by the idea that they can change history and rewrite that traumatic scenario.
In reality, this only leads to a repetition of the scenario, with the person experiencing the same feelings they had in childhood over and over again. And, of course, this has nothing to do with love either.
How to develop mature love
When there is love, there is neediness. But there is one very important nuance here. As Erich Fromm said, immature love is “I need you, therefore I love you,” and mature love is “I love you, therefore I need you.” Mature love contains an element of healthy interdependence: “I want to depend on you, I acknowledge my dependence because I feel good with you, I love you, not because I need you.”
Love is not just a feeling, it is an action, a skill that can be developed throughout life by getting to know your partner and understanding how to love them better.
The ability to love begins with a good understanding of oneself, with the recognition of one’s own dissimilarity (and in some ways, perhaps, similarity) to others, with the recognition of one’s own uniqueness and value: “I know myself, I accept myself with my strengths and weaknesses, I value myself, I am an important and dear person to myself.”
And this will work both ways: once a person sees themselves, they will be able to see and accept another person too — as a whole. Give them the opportunity to be themselves in their various manifestations, and give yourself the opportunity to be sincerely interested in them. This lays the foundation for the development of strong relationships.
Another important component is the ability to be alone, to endure loneliness. This is important in order not to “cling” to the object, not to fill the deficit of unmet needs through another person, but to be able to feel the fullness of life and satisfy one’s own needs. It will also allow you to create some distance and space in the relationship, which is necessary for every person.
It is important to be able to give: to care, to participate in your partner’s life, to be sincerely interested, to build your life so that the other person feels cozy, free, and comfortable. Mature love also implies a desire for your loved one’s life to be fulfilling, for them to develop and feel good not only when they are with you. Do not control them or keep them close just so that you feel calm and less anxious.
Love also implies respect for the personality and boundaries of another person, a caring attitude, the ability to engage in dialogue and speak honestly and openly.
Of course, there are no perfect people, no perfect relationships, and no universal recipes for them. The main thing is the desire of two people to seek and find ways out of difficult situations, to negotiate, to compromise, and if that doesn’t work, to seek help from psychologists. After all, the desire to find a way out of any situation and make life together better and more comfortable is also a component of love.
