Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people. Not those who are right for us. Not those who are capable of reciprocating our feelings. Not those with whom we can be happy or with whom we have a chance of building a relationship. “The wrong ones” are emotionally unavailable people who remain cold and closed off even with the most accepting partners.
Let’s figure out why we fall in love with the wrong people, what to do if you’ve fallen in love with the wrong girl, and how to stop choosing emotionally unavailable partners.
Falling in love with the wrong person — what is usually meant
Imagine: in the right corner of the ring is a handsome boy from a good family. He has friends, a job, and hobbies. He always responds to messages, is happy to see you, and is genuinely interested in your life. He is the type who will give you flowers, happily go to the movies with you, or help your parents with the potatoes at their dacha, and he would never intentionally hurt your feelings.
In the left corner of the ring is a mysterious, somewhat haughty guy with a hidden longing in his eyes. He is constantly surrounded by people, but he exudes loneliness. He makes it clear that he does not want a relationship and confirms this with his actions: he can be sarcastic, keeps his distance, and sometimes disappears from the radar altogether. It seems that he has gone through something difficult and lost his trust in the world.
Which option sounds more attractive? And which of them is more likely to build a healthy relationship?
Many of us would find the guy from the first paragraph boring, and a relationship with him dull, mundane, and lacking in spark. It’s a different story with the roller coaster ride you have to go through to win the trust and love of the second character. Usually, these attempts either lead nowhere or end in a painful, exhausting relationship and subsequent breakup.
The same thing happens to a guy who fell in love with the wrong girl. She doesn’t appreciate his attention, but at the same time, she doesn’t reject him: she keeps him close in case she needs support or just wants to hang out. At the same time, she herself does not get involved in a relationship with this person and treats his feelings as a commodity.
What makes us choose emotionally unavailable partners out of all the options?
It seems obvious, but we keep falling into the same trap over and over again. Falling in love with the wrong person is a familiar scenario that has developed as a result of several factors. Let’s take a look at them.
Traumatic childhood experiences
The most obvious answer to the question of why we fall in love with the wrong people is that we are all shaped by our childhood. We are attracted to the kind of treatment and people we think we deserve. And this idea is formed in childhood, based on how our parents treated us or each other. As adults, we either repeat familiar scenarios or try to get what we lacked. We see a cold parent in the object of our affection and try to earn their love. We try to fill the void left over from childhood. And familiar pain can be less frightening than the unknown: what is it like to be in a loving relationship? What if it’s not for me and it will only get worse?
Fear of separation
Perhaps subconsciously we don’t want a relationship because we are afraid of its collapse. If we have been hurt before, we fear that our heart will be broken again. Therefore, we are not ready to truly open up and trust another person. Unavailable partners can be a safe choice because the connection with them is more superficial, and they will never get closer than we want them to. Plus, they can’t leave you if the relationship never started.
Fear of disappointment
Sometimes people fall in love with the wrong person because they are afraid of losing themselves in their partner. When your feelings are reciprocated, it is very difficult not to merge with the other person. Remember your boundaries and interests, respect them, and don’t build your life according to imposed standards. Some people find it difficult to remain themselves in relationships. Emotionally unavailable people don’t need anything from you — and that’s a great relief.
Emotional explosion
Another reason is hidden in the well-known saying: “The grass is always greener on the other side.” Many people enjoy the process of “conquest”: if you fall in love with the wrong girl, you both have an endless, exciting chase ahead of you. The emotions of falling in love with the “wrong” people can cause a kind of addiction, against which stable, calm relationships seem boring.
The desire to “fix” or change your partner
We like to “fix” people. We want to be the one who changes and heals the other person. We want to cure an emotionally unavailable partner and all their wounds: “No one can get close to them, but I will be the one to melt the ice and teach them to love.” But — unfortunately or fortunately — it is not in our power to make someone emotionally accessible, loving, and ready for a relationship. Such changes do not happen at the snap of our fingers and do not depend on us. Besides, when we find the right person, there will be no need to change them.
Escaping into fantasy
We enjoy living in a fantasy world. It is much safer to fall in love with the wrong person and imagine an ideal relationship than to build one in reality with someone who reciprocates our feelings. After all, love may not be as rosy as we imagined. That there is no such thing as perfection, and even the best relationships sometimes require patience and a lot of effort. Usually, the desire to escape into dreams goes hand in hand with low self-esteem. We feel that we do not deserve healthy mutual feelings or this particular person. Therefore, we settle for fantasies.
How can we avoid relationships with the wrong partner?
Most of these reasons have deeper roots, which are more effectively addressed in therapy. A psychologist can help you learn to appreciate warm and secure relationships, understand the mechanisms of your attraction to unsuitable partners, and identify which needs such a relationship fulfills and which it does not.
