Any psychologist will advise you to establish open communication in your relationship. But what if your words do more harm than good? Some phrases may not be as harmless as they seem. Here are three examples of the most dangerous responses.
- “You always…” or “You never…”
A phrase that kills effective communication. Nothing can upset your partner more than generalizations of this kind. In the heat of an argument, it’s very easy to blurt something out without thinking, but your partner will hear something else: “You’re useless. You always let me down.” Even if it’s about something as trivial as washing the dishes.
You may be dissatisfied and want to show it to your partner, but they perceive it as criticism of their personality, and that hurts. Your partner immediately stops listening to what you have to say and begins to defend themselves aggressively. Such criticism will only push away the person you love and will not help you achieve what you want.
What to say instead
“I feel ‘X’ when you do/don’t do ‘Y’. How can we resolve this issue?” “I really appreciate it when you do ‘Y’.” Start the sentence with “I” or ‘me’ instead of “you.” This way, instead of blaming your partner, you invite them to a dialogue that is designed to resolve conflicts.
- “I don’t care.”
A family is based on the idea that partners care about each other, so why ruin everything with such thoughtless phrases? By emphasizing indifference in any context (“I don’t care what we have for dinner,” “I don’t care that the kids are fighting,” “I don’t care where we go tonight”), you show your partner that you don’t care about your life together.
Psychologist John Gottman believes that the main sign of a long-term relationship is treating each other kindly, even in small ways, such as showing interest in what your partner has to say. If they want you to pay attention to them, and you make it clear that you are not interested, it can be destructive.
What to say instead
It doesn’t matter what you say, the main thing is to show that you are interested in listening.
- “It doesn’t matter…”
These words imply that you reject everything your partner has to say. They sound passive-aggressive, as if you want to hint that you are not happy with their behavior or tone, but at the same time you are avoiding an open conversation.
What to say instead
“I would really like to hear your opinion on…” “I’m having some difficulties here, can you help?” Then say thank you. It’s no surprise that partners who regularly thank each other feel more valued and supported, which helps them overcome periods of tension in their relationship more easily.
What to do
We all have moments when our partner irritates us. It may seem like the right thing to do is to be honest and express our dissatisfaction openly, but this is counterproductive.
Ask yourself, “Is this really a serious problem or a minor issue that everyone will soon forget?” If you are sure that the problem is serious, calmly discuss it with your partner in a constructive manner, criticizing only their actions, not them personally, and refrain from making accusations.
This advice does not mean that you have to watch every word you say, but sensitivity and caution can do a lot for your relationship. Try to show your love more often, and don’t forget to say words like “thank you” and “I love you.”
