Refusing to sacrifice yourself, understanding your true self, and expressing your feelings appropriately—we explain how to build a harmonious relationship without losing yourself.
Throughout our lives, we encounter situations where not only those around us, but also our closest friends and family compare us to someone else. Sometimes we are told that we are better, and we decide to strengthen those positive qualities in ourselves, and sometimes we are told that we are worse in some way, and then we strive to abandon those weaker parts of ourselves.
Often these messages are diametrically opposed — people want to see us as strong, but sensitive; successful, but not ambitious; cheerful, but reserved. At the same time, if we hear such things from strangers, their opinion often has no effect on us, but when such words are spoken to us by someone close to us, we think about it and unconsciously begin to fantasize about how they want us to be. It happens that we stubbornly try to create an ideal image of ourselves, not noticing that in this pursuit we lose our own individuality.
It is important to remember that circumstances may vary, but the main thing is to preserve yourself.
Realize who you are
The most important thing to understand and realize is what kind of person you are. True individuality is that inner core that you can always rely on, but also the center around which all improvements arise. You can simply write a list of all the traits that form the basis of your personality. Keep this list private — there is no need to show it to others, it should only work for you.
Also, try to answer honestly the question of what kind of person you are. Are you active or compliant, bright or modest? What style of clothing suits you best? We often compare ourselves to characters in books or movies, real people we like, and try to adopt their traits. But it is important to understand that not everything we like is right for us.
Refuse to make unnecessary sacrifices
Don’t do something just for the sake of your relationship or your partner if you don’t want to. In this matter, it is very important to follow the golden mean rule — look for an option that will be pleasant not only for your partner, but also for you. You cannot do something contrary to your views and interests — perhaps at a certain moment it will have a positive effect, but in the long run, such a sacrifice will not benefit anyone, but only harm (see also: A futile sacrifice: how to stop living for others).
Express your emotions correctly
Don’t keep quiet about things that upset you, but don’t make a big deal out of them either — try to calmly talk about what’s bothering you. When you remain silent, your partner doesn’t understand what’s going on (after all, they can’t read your mind) and continues to behave in the same way. They may think that your silence is unrelated to what happened, while you suffer from your own negative thoughts and worry about the problem inside yourself.
At the same time, open conflict is not the best solution either, because during an argument, people often “pour out” all their accumulated negativity on each other without solving the problem. It is important to learn to calmly express your grievances and seek a compromise that suits both partners.
Focus on your desires
Try to focus not on what is wrong in your relationship, but on what you want. Don’t look for reasons why you are not where you want to be — look for a way to get to where you really want to be. For example, you can reproach your partner for the lack of tenderness or romance in your relationship, or you can find a way to interact with them that includes these components.
Make time for yourself
Set aside time just for yourself more often. Relationships are an important part of life, but they are not your whole life. You should have time that you spend however you want — it could be socializing with friends, hobbies, or some kind of self-care routine. The main thing is that this is time when you think about yourself, your desires, and your needs, and not about someone else.
